It's OK to compromise

“English medium school.”

I reached at the gate of Rahul’s home. Suddenly I came at halt when I saw Rahul’s mom, cleaning rice while sitting under the sun. Rahul’s Dad was having lunch, sitting close to his mom. I gave a broad smile with confidence and expected a lot questions. Adjusted my half pant, arranged my hairs and cleaned my face with my hand.

“Namaste Uncle, Namaste Aunty.”

“Namaste Beta”, Uncle replied. So do Aunty.

“Rahul was saying that you went for Admission today. Did you take the admission?” Uncle asked.

I felt so respected. I answered with a big smile and proudness, “yes, I took the admission.”

“How was the school?”

“Was good. You know Uncle, School has a policeman at the gate to check who enters the school. And I heard him speaking in English. And the principal was like our president, Abdul Kalam, well dressed and was speaking so politely. Even the students were taking in English and dressed like officer.”

“Did you see everything in school?”, Rahul asked.

“School is very big, It will take many days to know and visit everything. Today we went only in office department. But I was lucky to see one class adjoining the office room. You know, that class had 3times bigger black cemented board with no dents or marks. One corner was well decorated with color chaulks. And something was written in English at top. There was on board of green color, where many colourful pictures and ribbon was hanging. And you know, we will be sitting on benches. And the playground is so big, you can also come with me to play.”

“Papa, I also want to take admission”, Rahul said to his Dad.

“we will see”, his dad replied.

We both run to my home to tell my mom that Rahul will also be taking admission. Though his dad didn’t confirm but we know, dads never reject any request especially when you ask something related to study.

My mom is not always so happy as she was with me until the admission, so I asked Rahul to stand near my gate. And I went inside to see what is happening inside my home.

My dad was saying, “But you had said will be Rs100 per month, can we manage Rs150? And they took admission fees and other charges. I don’t think it is possible to manage him in that high-figh school. Can’t we wait 1 year more, so that we can save enough money and put both of them (my sister and me) next year in the same school?”

“No, we can’t wait”, my mom said strongly. “I don’t want my child to be like us uneducated due to lack ok money. After all we don’t need savings, we need our children’s good future. You didn’t see, I saw him talking with principal. Jack was excited and happy to study. I can’t afford late in his studies. Already he is so late.”

“Ok, If you say. So, do you have enough money for dresses and other things. I have this 50 rupee. Take, it will be helpful.” My loving dad replied to her.

“Don’t need, keep it for further use. I will make his dress at home. Your shirt has the same color as his dress code so, I will adjust according to his size. And he can manage with steel lunch box for now. I will cleaned his bag; you bring one Saktiman sticker in the evening that we will put on the cover of bag. We will buy necktie and belt. Our son is best son he will not bother with these things.” My mom said.

I was hearing all this conversation, standing behind the wall. I didn’t want my mom and dad to be sad because of me. So, I returned back to the gate and asked Rahul to come with me and I said him that all is ok inside. I started making loud noise and run into the home. I said to my mom, “mummy, Rahul is also getting admission in the school.”

“You know Rahul, I was thinking to design my own bag for my class, I have heard that students in English medium is so creative, so I have to be. Come help me to wash my bag” I said to Rahul.

Rahul was so happy and said yes to everything. We cleaned the bag and went to my mom. Dad was resting and watching TV after the lunch.

“Mummy, I don’t need Saktiman on my bag. I am going to English medium School, so some English-man should be on the bag. So, first I will find who is English man and then we will buy bag.” I explained to my mom.

I was pretending that I didn’t listen what they had spoken just before I came. At the same time, I was seeing my parents face, and hoping for some good expressions for me.

My mom said, “didn’t I say you that our son is so grown up. My lovely Jack. Come and eat, and call Rahul too.”

We had a nice lunch, Rahul was fan of my mom’s food. Everyone in our colony used to ask help in cooking for special foods. After the lunch I took out a paper and pencil to write the list of things to be bought in evening, and I wanted to know what really was most important to buy. I didn’t want my dad and mom to be struggling much for me, at the same time I wanted to go for English study. So, it was necessary to compromise in some part of it.

My mom had said, “Everyone don’t get exactly what he wants, but he can compromise some parts to get best out of whole.”

After hours of discussion we prepared a list of things to be bought.

1.       Shirt (I was knowing this mom will cancel and I didn’t find any reason to cancel myself.)

2.       Netaraj Pencil, sharpener and eraser 1 piece each (Apsara was so costly.)

3.       Thin notebook 4 pieces

4.       Shocks (I decided to clean my shoes. After all, all school have black shoes as dress code.)

When I said about this list, she didn’t say much but “good”, but I realized the expression she made after hearing so small list, which was too larger in morning. By the way now it was time to go for market. I was very much excited for the shopping. So, I was asking mom “when are we going?”. And my question was arising after each 5 minutes. Though it was only 5 minutes for outer world but for me, it was hours.

English School

The day was awesome. Everything was more than just fine.

I had just finished my Exam for the day and was relaxing on my bed.  Things has started being normal after she left. Or, I let her go. Or, I made her go because of my foolishness.  It is almost 2 months since everything had finally stopped, including the fights. My prayer to God started changing. I stopped asking god to delete love for her in me but I started asking for the strength to divert love for her in a constructive manner.  My action to my work and my reaction to the situation was enough to prove my changes. I closed my eyes, allowed my thoughts to float randomly. I saw a bright light in front of me. Slowly everything started becoming more clear. I was standing on the terrace. I heard a voice, “Jack, oye jack.”

“Jack your mom is calling you”, Rahul Shouted.

“OK, Rahul, I have to go for admission at new school.”

“Where?”

“Loyola School, English medium,” I replied proudly. Though I was wearing torn pant and shirt with broken button, I was feeling like prince by pronouncing the word English medium.

“Hey mummy, should I bath with new soap today?”

“As you wish but don’t keep it in water for long time.”

“OK mom.”

I had an awesome bath, hot water direct from hand-pump. Our Indian Hand-Pumps are natural Geyser maybe you can call it Cooler-Cum-Geyser, because we get hot water in winter and cold water in summer.

“Mummy, which dress should I wear?”

“Wear the new one, which we bought on your uncle marriage.”

“Oho, so lucky day mom” I said.

“Mummy, will I start my class today?”, I asked with excitement.

“From tomorrow, my son.”

My mom and I reached on street. New School was 2Km away.

“Jack, don’t run! Hold my hand.”

“Ok Mummy.” And we moved ahead on street.

“Mummy, see that poor cow, no one loves her. See, how she is sitting in garbage. Her mummy didn’t teach her to be away from dirty things. You know mom?”

“What?”

‘May be her mummy wasn’t so smart like you.’

“Maybe, but you know Jack, Mummy is always smart.”

“Yes, I know it, my Mummy is the best.”

“Jack?”

“What?”

“Will you study properly in school?”

“so much.”

“Mummy!” I shouted.

“Mummy, see, he is from that School.”

“How can you say?”

“You are fool mummy, don’t you see his white shirt, blue pant and Necktie, just like an officer.”

“From tomorrow you too will be dressed like him.”

“Mummy! Why this policeman is standing on gate?”

“He is not Policeman. He is called gatekeeper.”

At that time, Gatekeeper was so uncommon to find in a locality like ours. We reached to the principal office. Principal asked me to attain one test to check my ability and to be confirm about the class to start my study. I was at test and my mom was sitting beside me. We were in a small room, full of new books. They asked me some Math and English. They checked my paper and replied, “Your Child is awesome in mathematics but a bit low in English. It will be hard for him to manage class 3 subjects; they are in English.”

“Sir I know all the mathematics until class 6. Why are you saying about class3?  At least I can go in class4. Isn’t mom? I was currently in class3, how can I study same thing twice? Sir, I know English as well.” I put out one book of poem and showed him, “See, this is my English book, I know it all.”

Sir just smiled and said that was class1 book. I put my head down and suddenly took out my math book and translation book. And said, “See, this is class7 Mathematics book, which I am learning now. And this my Advance English translation book. You can ask me any meaning or spelling, I know it very well.”

He didn’t reply anything, but he said to my mom, “He is very Good in Mathematics, and I appreciate that but you can understand this is English medium school, even mathematic will be difficult to understand.”

“but my sir said, I can beat any class 6 student in math. My sir has taught us to play with number in math.”

“Ok Son, so I suggest you study class3 again. And if I find you doing well, you will be promoted to class5 next year.”

 My mom and me agreed on the terms. We completed the formality and came out from the campus.

“Mummy, I will study so hard, and will reach class 10 soon. But I am not so happy to study class3 again. Rahul will laugh on me. I don’t have to tell him the class. By the way I will be learning English, and he know nothing, even he can’t write essay on ‘The Cow’.  Mummy, will we be going for shopping today?”

“Yes, we will buy your dress, lunch box, a bag, a pencil box and grocery for home.”

“Mummy you forget so many things.”

“What?”

“Shoes, shocks, pencil, pen, notebook, necktie, belt, Lunch box with spoon on top, bag with Saktiman, cold-drink bottle for water and, I forget.”

“Ok, anything for you. But promise that you won’t waste any of it and will study hard.”

“God promise mummy. Can we eat Golgapa?”

“No, Your dad would be waiting for food at home with your little sister.”

We reached home after walk of 20mins. She went inside the home and I went to advertise myself.

“Rahul, I got admission in English medium school.” I shouted and run in the street towards his house. Shouting again and again, “I Got admitted in English medium school.”

“English medium school.”

“English medium school.”

....

The last letter

The last letter

Hi Rose,

There was a man, who went swimming. He deep his head under water. Everything was so silent and was supported by stopped breath. He was hearing the sound of silence, feeling far apart from the artificial modern world. Love between the water and skin’s cells was so perfect. Darkness behind the closed eyes was so sweet. No more feel of stress in the body. He gently waved his hand to remain in water, floating, hanging from nothing. Passing of water through the skin while waving was like the best touch he ever felt. He smoothly pushed water with his legs and moved little nearer to surface. At a sudden he felt something around his left leg, the touch of fish’s lip was another incredible feel which made his hair dance and gave small wave in the smooth flow of blood through the body. He went deeper to get more fishes and touched grasses.

At a sudden he felt something around his right leg. He stopped his thoughts, loosed stress on eyes and became so still to feel this perfectly. But he couldn’t feel anything in that stillness. He was to out of breath so he pushed his legs on the ground to reach the surface. He got pulled while he was in half way, he was almost out of breath. He tried so hard to reach at surface. But he noticed some weeds had got him, all the silence just fades into a battle to breath. Smooth and gentle pushes became struggling attempts. Eyes were open but darkness was surrounding his believe and life. He was almost out of breath and the first forced water enter through mouth and nose and hammered his stomach. His voice for help was just eaten by the silence around him. And the feeling what he had, the helplessness he felt at that moment is Exactly how I feel while writing this letter.

"The last letter"

When I turn pages of my past. Each time I get surprise to see that You are the best thing ever happened to me and the moments with you is floating as best memories until now.

There is always a moment in everyone life when he changes in a flash of a second and he doesn’t realize it. Nothing such happen in my life, I always search for that moment, which change me into adult, which make me mature. I am fully with my childish mistakes, which hurt you several times. I can’t remember the number of times, sorry, I asked. Now I am shy of saying ‘sorry’ anymore. So, this has to stop.

There was time when you felt honored being with me. The love and care you offered was like whole candy shop in lap of a kid. I started dreaming ‘walks with you along the beach’ and ‘a life in a small home, away from this selfish and cruel world.’   

Another phase came in relation and I failed to keep the most important promise. From the moment you started turning face from me, my days started becoming dry and unpleasant. These days are like hot summer burning skin in coldest of winter, such paradox started existing in my life.

I failed to make you mine again. And when you are not mine, no songs seem to made for me. No joke is a joke anymore. I couldn’t see my life ahead. My future seems to be black and white slow movie. And I know I can’t make you back, at least not now.

Someone has said, “let your Love go, if it returns then I was truly yours otherwise it was better that it leaved you before destroying you fully.” And I believe in my feelings for you. I don’t ask you to wait, but just keep good moment of us as a memory in some corner of your thoughts.

You are rose which attract all my bee like thoughts and I got addicted of your words and love juice in you petals.

I know saying sorry won’t make any difference anymore but I’m sorry.  

I always love you. No day passes without your thoughts. I am just waving and pushing the moments to reach nearer to you my queen. I want to be honored to be yours. I will try all to prove that. “Love never Dies.”

Miss you

Love you swee

Waiting for my love

Your swee

Jack

A nap in vision

Hi Rose

12 Feb 2018;

I miss YOU, As usual, and a lot more.

I was at the tea shop, holding the tea in right hand and mobile on the left and a vision in my eyes. It was almost dark, but people around me, giggling, chatting and chuckling on their own jokes, were clear to sight. Soon, I heard a voice, “Jack, oye Jack” and I turned. I saw a girl, just like a shadow as she was standing in front of a light. For the moment, I thought to run away. “How could a fairy get a first good impression of a boy, dressed dirty, without shaving and no bath since two days.” I kept my eyes wide open as I didn’t want a single moment to be skipped while my eyes flap even for a flash of a second.

It was she, at my back, pushing me lovingly, “go Jack go.” I felt her Hands on my back, the soft and tender hands. I felt the laugh she made like she always does after pushing me at the moment when I get frightened. She was sending me to real herself, standing 20-foot ahead of me, waving hand so that I can spot her. Her presence with me, her smiles and talks were more real than real she standing a little away, and this was the greatest paradox of my life to understand the sensation of love.

Each of my step towards her was like several successive achievements. The applause she was giving at my back was like, the whole world has stopped and is waiting for me to reach her. Saying honestly, that was the first time in my life, I felt like stopping caring for the whole world and the things happening around me. She was 10-foot away, she was saying something as I saw her lips moving but I was still hearing she, who was standing behind me and putting confidence. This was the first glance of her, ’milky white skin, just like a fairy of the dream, beautiful and sharp eyes, and thin tender lips fluttering’, as a bike headlight put a flash on her just for few seconds, behind from me.

“I won’t hug her or touch her, I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable at the first meet.” She, from the back, hugged me and said, “its ok you can hug her”, but this hug of her was so real because she was standing in front of me. I never knew that falling in love would make me a real person, living and feeling each moment. It was she, who modified me, just in a few seconds.

She was just 5-foot ahead; I was to touch her. I felt like someone coming out of me like a wave. Oops, it is me, I rushed to her, hugged her strongly, very strongly, strongly enough to mix two different souls forever. I felt her grown hair on my cheeks, my hand around her shoulder and my ears on her soft cheeks. She just smiled. I touched her hairs, forehead, eyebrows, eyes, cheeks and hold for some moment to capture her for that moment. I didn’t want to miss any of her curves on her face, so precious was that moment and she with the smile. A little later I realized, she wasn’t responding to me and I turned back and show my real self about to shake hand with her real she. Everything just became still for the moment and she spoke, “Sir is taking the class, so we have to hurry up.”  I saw her, sorry I stared at her like I have never seen a girl, and it was true, I hadn’t seen a girl like her before. She was the best art of God filled with beauty, energy and sharpness.

No path was visible; I was walking on the road but I felt like walking on flower heading towards the heaven. Suddenly I felt like losing her, I started feeling like our paths were diverging. I asked her to hold on, I wanted to ask sorry for hurting her in past. I wanted to say to her that losing all for her was worthy, but that I realized after meeting her. I wanted to say that, I will do all it takes to undo my mistakes. I wanted to say how much I love her. But she just disappeared on the corner of the path. I started to feel warm tears falling on my hand, and it went on becoming warmer and warmer. I felt the vibration of fear in my body, the fear to lose her and soon I realized that it was the cup of the tea I was holding in my right hand, at the tea stall and it was her call on my phone vibrating so high. I couldn’t drink the tea, my neck was chocked and eyes were full of water about to fall. I realized that I do remember all the moments of our first meet. I left the filled cup of tea on the table and walked away in the darkness, to be alone for some moment even without my shadow.  

I love you

Jack

A letter

Feb 4, 2018

My dear Rose,

I miss you, as I always do, but today is especially hard because the air has been speaking to me, and the moments of our days together. I can almost feel you beside me as I write this letter, and I can smell the scent of your perfume that always reminds me of you. But at this moment, these things give me no pleasure. Your messages have been coming less often, and I feel sometimes as if the greatest part of who I am is slowly slipping away.

I am trying tough, though. At night when I am alone, I run from your thoughts and whenever I feel helpless, I still hope that you can find a way to return to me, and you are working on it. Mostly you appear on everyone faces, I feel myself surrounded by a lot of you. Feeling of being surrounded by Swee, in the middle of the crowd is really awesome. I am struck as I see you coming towards me. You are beautiful, I think as I see you, a vision that I can never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk towards you, and I notice that others have been watching you. “Do you know her?” they ask me in jealous whispers and as you smile at me, I simply answer with the truth. “Better than my own heart.”

I stop when I reach you and take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when your warmth enters in my body, I give myself over to this moment, at peace once again.

I raise my hand and gently touch your cheek and you tilt your head. I keep my head in you soft hairs and feel as if I have felt the whole world at once.  My hands are hard and your skin is soft, and I wonder for a moment if you’ll pull back.

I am here to love you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. I am here to learn from you and to receive your love in return. I am here because there is no other place to be.

But then, as always, the smokes from nowhere just arrive as we stand close to one another. Your eyes start becoming the blur, I start feeling you slipping off my arms, and I find that I grow fearful as smoke intensifies around me. It slowly creeps in, enveloping the world around me, fencing me in as if to stop me from pulling you back to my arms.

I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears because I know it is time for you to go.  The look you give me at this moment haunts me. I feel your Parting touch and my own loneliness, and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you go apart from me. And then you turn your head and become part of the smoke. I long to come behind you, but you smile and disappear in thick smoke from nowhere.

And I watch with breaking heart and shaking body as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your countless images around me just vanishes and I am alone in the crowd and don’t care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry.

Jack

This is how I put my feelings on someone else's song. Hope I could do all with my own words instead of Nicolas Spark.

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